I love to redecorate, and change my style up.  Some people have their own style, but I have multiple styles.  I sometimes want contemporary, sometimes fresh and sometimes country.  The problem is my wife does not think that our apartment should be my expression of my creativity.  So I sit here and stare at the walls and as the ideas come pouring out I get kind of depressed knowing I won’t be able to have the yellow and grey bedroom I really want, or the eccentric bohemian living room.  But eh, a girl can dream I suppose.

So instead I have been throwing my creativity into my very small office at work.  It’s hard since it is literally a storage closet and I can’t seem to quite get it to where I want it.  It now looks like a hippie dorm room, which is NOT what I want!

I got Lena to agree to doing chalkboard paint on one wall! 

I think painting will be my weekend task.  Lena will let me paint, she just hates when I rearrange and re-decorate.  Maybe painting will get her creative juices flowing!

Completely off topic, I am reading “Off the Grid” by Nick Rosen.  I highly suggest it!

Many people I know go by the standard of a nice house, good job, marriage and kids.  I often also associate those things with a “beautiful life”.  Whenever I think of the things that really make my life beautiful it doesn’t involve those things.  I do like the idea of a space of my own, spending the rest of my life with the love of my life and enjoying my job, but the beauty in my life often presents itself in little moments.

I thought I would share some of them from recently . . .

While at Hobofest Saturday Lena and I were relaxing in our chairs drinking iced coffee listening to some fun folky music that characterizes Adirondack festivals.  It made me happy to see the little kids dancing around the crowd, just having fun.  Later in the night when a well-known folk band hit the stage a large crowd of people of all ages started dancing in the lawn together, just enjoying the music and being free.  It made me happy and I envied their freedom. 

The spot for most of my cherished memories is the VIC in Paul Smith’s.  Something about those trails makes me smile.  There is a picture of Lena and I were she is skipping in the front and shots the camera to catch her smile and me skipping/dancing in the background.  Why the stretch of swamp through the valley of moutains makes me so happy I do not know, but I hope everyone has a place like that.

I also recently discovered my love of the huge windmills.  I was driving from Malone to Plattsburgh and there is a couple mile stretch of the very large wind turbines.  I hear complaints all the time about how they ruin the landscape, but to me they just remind me of how small I am.  You would think it would have the opposite effect of peacefulness, but sometimes knowing things are much larger than you can bring you peace.  Plus, I would much rather see wind put to use for energy than drilling the earth of it’s lubricant. 

Next week I am headed to another one of my favorite places: Maine.  We are staying in a little cheap cottage on the ocean outside of Bar Harbor.  We are going to bike, kayak, hike and eat lots of lobster.  Seriously, how can life get any better than that?

To me the idea of a “beautiful life” is dependent on the way I feel in certain situations.  While trying to determine my definition of the “beautiful life” I am reminded of all of those people who don’t have anything close to what I have.  The luxuries of basic human needs being met allow me to enjoy other freedoms.  I am not sure how beautiful my life would be if I was worried about where my next meal was coming from or whether I would be raped that night or not.  I hope in thinking about your beautiful life you recognize those who do not have that priveledge. 

In the pursuit of happiness and meaningfulness,

Melissa

I recently read Inga Muscio’s nove “Rose”.  I am a big fan of Inga Muscio, and as always, I related strongly to her view points.

One of the most important things I have taken out of her novel was the cycle of violence in my life.  How do I contribute to passive violence in my life?  I know that when someone says negative things in my direction I often respond by saying negative things.   Over the past week I have been focusing on saying more of what I feel, and steering away from making those comments violent in any nature. 

It’s a difficult thing to do.  I find it especially difficult with those who you have everyday interactions with.  For instance, my wife came home at lunch time today quite hungry.  Her job is very stressful and when she is hungry she gets incredibly irritable.  I know this well, however when she came home and saw that I had packed a week early for vacation, instead of saying “wow, you are on top of things” she said “why the hell would you pack so early!”.  I was pretty proud that I had managed to pack since I will be busy the rest of the week and responded with “Why do you have to be such a crabass all the time”.  Immediately I realized I was just reacting to the hurt.  I should have ignored the comment or said something to the nature of “I know you are stressed and hungry, but you don’t have to be mean”.   .  .

Like I said, it’s difficult!

I have not posted in awhile, mostly because I received a large promotion at work and my life has been very busy.  I, unfortunately, did not start my little indie shop, although I hope to in the future. 

I also have been focusing more on the community and how I can enhance other’s lives.  I have been donating money each month to a difference cause in addition to my weekly United Way donations.  I also started volunteering with Habitat for Humanity and signed up to volunteer for Girl Scouts (I have my interview this week). 

I shouldn’t say those things are completely selfless.  I find a large sense of  . . .I guess happiness . . .when I help.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent, but back on subject. . .

Realizing the violence you see in the world can contribute to an overwhelming knowledge of love.  I have began to understand how a lack of violence can enhance love.  When you realize how you treat people you can better express your love.  I have noticed even little passive violent acts I take that I would otherwise never think of.

I have made a list of things I would like to be more conscious about:

* React to violence with “I feel” statements

* Make sure to intervene if you see or hear acts or words of violence

* Take time to pray to a higher spirit for victims of violence

* Work on remaining calm when under stress

* Apologize when I make a hasty statement, especially if it is mean spirited

* Work on making others acknowledge passive violence

This said, I have always made an effort not to be “mean”.  Sometimes though, I do make hasty comments, especially with those I love.  I also occassionally ignore violence, or mean comments made to others in my presence.  This goes against my belief to always stand up for others, and I have made a pact to not tolerate violence in my life.

On a side note, I am currently reading “A Field Guide to Getting Lost” by Rebecca Solnit.  I highly recommend it to folks who are interested in the nature and spirit connection.

In the pursuit of happiness and meaningfulness,

Melissa

My dream has always been to own a bookstore.  Seeing as how we have 2 book stores already in town, I gave up on the idea.  Until I realized there aren’t any independent bookstores.

My goal is to open a bookstore that will have strictly independent novel, zines and maybe some crafts from local artists.  I am pretty positive I will not make any money on this store, hence why it is called “Passion Project Distro”. 

This summer I am going to talk with college professors and see if they would be willing to talk to their students about alternative forms of publication and zines.  I am hoping students will be large contributers.  I am planning on pre-purchasing zines and since I am largely broke myself I think I will have to do novels on consignment. 

I am also thinking about talking to local musicians about maybe selling their CD’s on consignment. 

We have all sorts of local artists here with really no place to sell their stuff.  I am hoping to be that place. 

I would like to save enough to pay the lease outright before opening.  Since I am pretty sure I will make no money I am not willing to go into debt.  Instead I am planning on  keeping my weekend job to basically pay for the store. 

Yep, I am pretty darn crazy.

But it’s a dream of mine and I am hoping if I put in enough hard work my dream may actually eventually end up making me money.  Or at least I can hope!

Anyway, if you or anyone you know makes zines and are interested in selling them please e-mail me (Melissa) at passion.project@yahoo.com

In the spring my colors come out.  I start to burst into energy and new goals and ideas spring to life.  My life is filled with more sunshine, and it seems easier to lead a more fulfilling summer.

I live in the mountains, and enjoy both seasons.  I enjoy the calmness of winter.  The sleepy morning and the fires burning.  Yet when spring comes it seems as if my life was greatly missing something.

Well spring is here in the Adirondacks.  My life now consists of flip flops, summer dresses and tennis matches.  My art has more color and my writing flows more easily. 

So welcome spring, oh how I have missed you.

When does it stop being worth it?  Is it when you step back and realize you haven’t had a day to yourself in months and when you have time to yourself all you want to do is sleep.  Is it when you realize you are working and working and getting nowhere with your savings?  It can be an endless cylce; car breaks down and there goes the savings, dog needs to go to the vet, furnace breaks, an emergency trip to the hospital

So how do you break out of the cycle?

I’m going to slowly break out of it.  I purchased a bike with my tax returns since my old one has slowly died.  I work 4 miles from my house, so I am riding to work.  That saves gas money and car repair money (until the winter). 

Since I won’t be using my car, I downgraded my insurance to liability, saving me an extra $40 a month.

I have basic cable, but basically only for my partner.

I’m stopping picking up overtime.

I started a garden to plant some of my own fruits and vegetables so I won’t have to pay for them.

I started buying my animal food in bulk to save money.

I am getting rid of my expensive cell phone when my contract expires next month and getting a trac phone to have just for emergencies.

Just these small things should help in a large way.  I will still be able to save money without having to work all the overtime.

My biggest change however is going to be to keep writing the book I have always meant to finish.  Maybe if I can even make a small amount of money doing something I love it will make work actually feel meaningful.

The difficult part will be saying no when the overtime schedule comes out!

I value the artists of the 60′s and 70′s who were able to do their own thing and encourage creativity.  I know the indie scene is alive and well today but it seems more and more people aren’t aware of what real indie culture is.  It certainly isn’t skinny jeans and t-shirts bought at pacsun. 

I have been struggling with my love of indie culture and then the notion of living in the Adirondack Mountains in NY.  As I have been contemplating my place here and how to expand myself I have come to the realization that indie culture really does occur everywhere, and maybe even more here than other places I know. 

The town  I live in has many tourist shops, but also has lots of people just doing what they love.  We have art galleries, and rock shops and two independent bookstores.  We have people who love the environment and work towards being their own person.

So I guess that’s why I am here.  To discover myself.  Maybe this is my place.   The past week or so has been hard for me.  I miss the small city I used to live in and I have been resentful towards the large amounts of overtime I have picked up at work.  Maybe I just need to rediscover Saranac Lake.  Walk throught the small town and talk to the people who are doing the things they love.

I have recently become addicted to Rolling Stone magazine.  Music has always been a large part of my life.  I grew up with a father listening to Meatloaf, Van Halen, Queen and Journey and a mother who loved Jim Croce, Billy Joel and Elton John.  My music taste has combined theirs and added a some Melissa Etheridge, Dave Matthews Band, Indigo Girls, Heart, Lifehouse, Black Crowes and Pearl Jam.  Every once in awhile I get the urge for some Kanye West, Black Eyed Peas or Lady Gaga.  Growing up we would blare our music so we couldn’t even hear ourselves think in my dads very cool and very expensive stereo system.  We would blare it loud enough that while cleaning we could go from inside to outside and still hear it clearly. 

As I got older every time I was home alone I would shuffle through my dads massive CD collection and find my favorite and blare them just dancing around the downstairs daydreaming about life.

Concerts were always a big deal in my family.  We went to at least 5 a year as a family and as a teenager I often went to many on the weekends with friends at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center.  Lawn tickets were always around 20 dollars, which seemed like a very small price to pay for a night of listening to great music on a blanket with friends.

My first concert I remember was Billy Joel.  I never was a big fan but my mom inisted I would love it.  I groaned about it and wasn’t sure, until I went and I was in love.  To this day Billy Joel is my music idol.  I went to numerous Billy Joel concerts over the years and many of them he played with Elton John.

Whil I love Billy Joel’s music, I love Elton John more for his style.  I have always loved that he could be himself.  I remember being confused as a kid because he sang some songs about women, and he obviously doesn’t like women.  But as I have grown, I began to really respect Elton John for his life. 

So I bought a zune player a few weeks ago.  I originally thought it would be a giant waste of money but my partner loves hers so much, I decided maybe it was worth the money.  I don’t like buying materialistic type things.  I have a perfectly good MP3 player.  I have to say the zune player is my new love.  I can spend hours just looking up and downloading good music and researching new artists.  It’s amazing. 

So Rolling Stone’s cover today was about Elton John.  I realized I downloaded all sorts of music and not Elton John.  So I automatically grabbed my zune player and started downloading.  I love that Rolling Stone includes all genres and really supports great artists.  I love that I can read about Elton John and John Lennon’s life and feel some sort of connection.  Plus I can read a little about Keesha and her ridiculous life.  It spans generations and adds a litle bit of politics in with the music.  Some people don’t think of music as art.  I like music that tells a story.  Maybe only a simple story, but if I can relate, I like the song.  I think that’s why I like all genres.  I like the story almost as much as I like the beat and rhythem.  .  .I think I’m a hippe wanna be.  Well without the drugs part. 

I don’t know if anyone else has the same experience, but listening to great music makes my creative juices flow.  I see life in color and I daydream and think deep thoughts. 

Sometimes I wonder how I ever lost site of my creative side.  In a house growing up spending my time listening to music, reading, daydreaming, playing outdoors and writing I wonder how I ever thought I was not creative. 

Oh and I bought watercolor pencils last week.  I am in heaven!

So this blog is about making my life more creative.  My media of choice is pastels, but this isn’t a blog about my drawing or my paintings.  It’s more my journaling of how a normally rigid young professional can step out of the “this is what life should consist of” to a life that contains more of the things I want it to consist of. 

I am also totally new to blogging.  I have, of course, had small blogs on my myspace and sparkpeople sites, but nothing that was very formal.  So, to someone who may read this, I hope you can relate and find some joy is my randomness.  Welcome to my journey.

Yesterday my partner also had the day off and we spent the day seeing what was new and exciting going on in town and catching up on some old documentaries we have been saving on our netflix list.  It was a good day, but today I had big plans.  By big plans I mean big plans to do exactly what I wanted to do.

As the day went on I discovered my day to myself may not actually be a day to myself.  I had some dishes to do, some vacuuming, taking care of the cats litter box, walking the dogs etc.  At about 1pm I was starting to feel like my day was lost.  Until I got a call from my employer asking me if I could work this afternoon.  I almost said yes, after all I do have to pay to fix my car, but then I sat back and realized all I have wanted to do all day was to draw.  So I declined, and spent several hours sitting at the kitchen table just letting my mind wander as I drew.   I drew what was around me and drew things that gave me a sense of comfort.  I wanted to somehow connect with these things, and so I studied their colors and textures.  Some of my best art comes from noticing things I would have never noticed before. 

It’s funny how taking some time to do what you want can give you a certain sense of calm and comfort.  Sure I still have laundry to do and cleaning to do, but I have two more days to do it. 

I work three days a week at a job I love.  I have no kids and nothing I have to do on my four days off.  I really am very lucky!  A book I read once said picture in your mind what your ideal day would look like, and then try to make every day your ideal day.  So here I am, trying to live my dream

Tomorrow I think I will snow shoe!